On Depression

Read this if you've dealt with depression... and you'd like to hear my thoughts about it and how I've come to manage it.

If you're someone who has struggled with self-control for years; if you've faced innumerable personal disappointments and failures, it's likely you're also someone who has faced depression, whether diagnosed or not, along with anxiety, regrets, and self-worth issues.

In fact, the sole "work" of the HTASP method comes down to doing all you can to confront and process these emotions, rather than escaping through your vices, as has been your MO since your childhood.

This is the cost of freedom from the grip of vices. This is the price you need to pay to actually stop procrastinating.

This is best done using a mindfulness practice.

That said, I can speak about depression because I know it well. I know it on an intellectual level, having read a lot about it and exploring the topic from various perspectives. More importantly, I know it on a personal level.

Throughout my entire twenties, I went through some pretty harsh episodes. I became apathetic, passive, and unable to experience much joy or pleasure (this is called anhedonia). I've often experienced deep and unrelenting pangs of regret, longing, and hopelessness. Other times, I just felt nothing. 

Depression exacerbated my problems with my bad habits, as I was quick to grab one of my vices for relief and distraction. Or maybe my bad habits exacerbated my depression, as they made me waste so much time and feel like a pathetic failure. Either way, my vices and depressions were fully entwined in my life, keeping me stuck in my rut.

Thankfully, depression is no longer a defining feature of my life. I was taught, by a compassionate social worker, to whom I'm forever grateful, how to use mindfulness to manage my depression.

The keyword there is “manage.”

I’m not cured. I don’t think I ever will be, and I am okay with that. I just don't suffer from it as I did before.

Depression, for me at least, is getting randomly struck with an unpleasant feeling. Most often, there's no reason for it; nothing has happened to make me upset or feel down. The feeling just comes out of the blue, like a dark cloud that drifts over an otherwise clear emotional horizon. 

The feeling could be one of sadness, regret, self-doubt, or hopelessness. Sometimes the feeling can't really be labeled, it's just... heavy, dark, and negative. Within a short while, my mind produces thoughts to put those feelings into words and make sense of them. It often conjures up past memories or regrets, or it imagines a worrisome or dreaded future. 

It sucks.

But when I use mindfulness, those dark feelings “suck” in the same way a dark rain cloud might “suck” to a guy at the beach. The cloud is a real thing occurring in his immediate environment. But it has nothing to do with him—who he is as a person, his karma, whether he’s been good or bad, deserving or not. It's just a product of wind patterns, humidity, and air pressure differentials. It is what it is.

He also can't will it to go away. He can't solve the problem by being upset or using some cloud-zapping blaster. It does indeed suck, but there is nothing he can do about it but watch and wait. 

That is what I do with the clouds of depression. I let go of any notion that this has anything to do with me and who I am as a person—it’s just a brain chemical thing—then I watch, and I wait.

“Hmmm, there it is again. That familiar, creeping, feeling. Okay.”

And I keep just looking at it. I get mindful of it.

And I wait some more. 

I don't expect the feelings to go away just because I'm conscious of them. This isn't a method or a technique I use to beat depression—to blast away the feelings with my focus.

When I have it within the full extent of my awareness, I continue to think to myself…

“There they are. The negative thoughts. They are pointing at this mistake I made, I should apparently dwell on and regret... and now a past moment of me chickening out on something, and… hmm… now my past procrastination, which apparently resulted my current circumstances. Thanks, brain… I guess.”

Once I take on this detached perspective, once I commit to being the non-judgmental observer, I find myself much less prone to entering a dark brooding state. I don't ruminate as much. Things no longer spiral out of control.

I try my best not to make an identity out of it. I am not depressed. I can see, feel, and hear depression, but I am not it. I am someone who happens to experience symptoms of depression.

I mean, I also sometimes feel happy, but I don’t then call myself “happied.” It’s just something fleeting I experience from time to time.

In the end, I still get wet when it rains. I might even feel the unpleasant cold. But I don't suffer from it—not as much, anyway. With mindfulness, I can just accept negative emotions as is.

So can you.

 

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This program is not intended to directly remedy depression or else mend past trauma and suffering. But my hope is that by following the steps of the Habit Reframe Method, by better managing your vices and bringing about a positive and consistent healthy self-care, lifestyle, and work-life, your experiences with negative emotions like depression will at least recede in some tangible way.

It may take a while—and it can be tricky. Your external environment could be as good as it gets. Your habits could be 100% in check. You could even achieve a big life goal or milestone… and still, depression may happen. Unprovoked. Unexpected. Unreasoned. Perhaps inner sadness, loss aversion, and longing are incurable parts of the human condition. No matter what we do or try, pain is a part of life. Or maybe it’s simply a brain chemical thing, and it’ll be up to you and your doctor to find an intervention that works best for you.

Whatever the reason, I’ve found that mindfulness is the best way to deal with and manage negative emotions.

 

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Closing up this topic, if you are someone with depression, know that you are not alone. Know that life does get a heck of a lot better when you create the right mental conditions to work on yourself and on something that’s meaningful to you.

I'll say it again: depression is not you. You are not depressed. You—the true you—are but an observer who happens to have a physical body and brain that work in certain ways, and just so happens to have a consistent whooshing of chemicals—or lack thereof—that cause ill feelings and thoughts. 

My advice, on top of seeking help, is to be mindful of the symptoms of depression when they come. As you make a habit of doing this with other aspects related to your vices, it will soon become second nature. 

Observe negative sensations. Don't resist them. Don't distract yourself or escape. Be present as best you can.

That little empty void we all have at our core is the most painful thing, while also being a teacher of compassion, love, and patience (Credit to Laura McKowen for this  thought). That can only happen by observing it. By coming to terms with it. By realizing that it doesn't mean anything about who you really are.

You’ll be okay.

With mindfulness, self-care, self-compassion, and maybe a little support... things will get better.